A Tennessean Moves to New York

January 10: It’s 5pm. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in many years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so pristine and beautiful. Things could not be any better.

January 11: We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight - just the finest we nearly ever saw. Every tree and schrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in many years and was absolutely thrilled. I loved it! I did both the driveway and sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. I’m satisfied that was done in error and he was genuinely sorry. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. Lotsa fun!

January 12: It snowed an additional five inches last night and the temperature dropped to about 11 degrees. It seemed almighty cold — not at all like it was back in Tennessee. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I had to shovel the driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and pulled his trick again. Now much of the snow is brownish gray. Be kinda nice if some of it would melt or go away.

January 13: It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush that soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell and busted my ass in the driveway. $145 to the chiropractor (my copay) but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

January 14: Still cold as dammit! Had another eight inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. Both vehicles in salt and crud. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4×4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail and did lots of damage to the right front fender. The goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

January 15: It’s two fucking degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off for most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater. Tripped over the heater and almost burned the fucking house down. I managed to put out the flames but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. The car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

January 16: Goddamn mother fucking white shit keeps coming down. I have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I’ll chew his chest open and rip his fucking heart out! The smartass hides around the corner and waits until I shovel the driveway again. Power is off again. Toilet froze and part of the roof started to cave in.

January 17: Six more goddamn fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking sleep and fucking ice and no telling what other kind of white fucking shit fell last night. I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with an axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Truck won’t start. I think I’m going snow-blind. I can’t feel my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More white shit predicted. Wind chill is two degrees below zero.

I’M MOVING MY ASS BACK TO GOOD OLE TENNESSEE!!!

This joke is filed under Ethnic Cultural.