Are You Ready to Have Children?
(2 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
Loading ...Mess Test :Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fishstick behind the TV and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Buy a 55-gallon drum of Lego. (If Lego’s are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house and stairways. Put on a blindfold and remove your shoes and socks. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake the child at night.
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals. (Goats will do nicely.) Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large live octopus or giant squid. Stuff into a small mesh bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy breakfast cereal into the mouth of the jug as it swings by while you pretend to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Obtain a canvas bag, similar to those used to prepare for floods. Fill with ten pounds of sand, and soak it thoroughly in water. At 8PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9PM. Put down the bag and lie down, setting your alarm for 10PM. Pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up more if necessary, and continue singing, waltzing and humming until 4AM. Set down the bag and set your alarm for 5AM. Get up and make breakfast. Look pretty. Do this every night for five years.
Physical Test for Women: Obtain a large beanbag and sew it to the front of your clothes. Add two pounds of beans per month for nine months. Then remove the beans, but do not remove the bag.
Physical Test for Men: Go to the drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter and tell the clerk to help himself. Then proceed to the nearest food store. Arrange for your paychecks to be deposited directly to the food store’s bank account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple with a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and the child’s table manners. You may eventually make new friends to replace these.