Armageddon Virus Alert!
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Loading ...If you receive and e-mail with a subject line of “Armageddon”, delete it immediately without ever reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus the earth has ever seen.
It will re-write your hard drive in Braille. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and low-fat milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you try to play.
It will give your chatty ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
It will give you erotic nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will reach out beyond the grave to sully the reputations of your dearly departed.
“Armageddon” will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. You will suffer the agony of psoriasis. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
This virus will cause your nose to run uncontrollably. These are just a few signs. There are MORE.