Birthday Jokes

It was 5 o’clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, “This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!”

The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sergeant walked out and yelled, “Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!” The soldiers complied and moved closer together.

The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. “Did that hurt?” he yelled.

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, Sir!”

The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. “Did that hurt?” he yelled.

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, Sir!”

The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers, so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. “Did that hurt?” he yelled.

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!”

Yo Mamma’s so fat every time she turns around it’s her birthday!

A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “It’s my birthday. How about a free drink?”

“Sure,” says the barkeep, “the mens’ toilet’s on the right.”

yo momma so damn dumb she lit a match to see if she blew out all the candles on her birthday cake.

yo momma so damn dumb she tried to change the channel on a T.V. dinner.

yo momma so damn dumb she thought the Last Supper was when Jesus ran out of food stamps.

Little Johnny was so rotton that his mother didn’t know what to do with him. It was getting close to his birthday and he was demanding a new bicycle. His mother told him that he had been so bad during the year that he wasn’t going to get ANYTHING. He whined and complained and stamped his feet–demanding the bike. His mother, in desperation and just trying to shut him up, said, “Why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and ask Him for the bicycle?”
So Johnny went to his room, got out pencil and paper and proceeded to ask Jesus for a new bike.

“Dear Jesus, I promise I will be good for SIX whole weeks if only you will give me a bicycle!” —He looked at what he wrote—knew he could not be good for that long and tore up the letter. He started again–”Dear Jesus. I will be good for THREE whole weeks if only you will give me a bicycle.” Once again, he had written the impossible and tore up the letter. “Dear Jesus, How does ONE week sound?” again, he tore it up.

Finally, he sneaked into his mother’s room, stole a statue of the Virgin Mary, hid it in his underwear drawer, and wrote, “Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again–I’d better get that new bike!”