Birthday Jokes

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and is very satisfied with the results. One day he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” he replies.

“I’m actually 47!” the man says, feeling happy.

After that he goes into McDonald’s for lunch, and asks the server the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”

“I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks a little old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants for five minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Five minutes later the woman says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The little old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonald’s.”

1.If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

2.Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.

3.Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

4.Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

5.Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

6.Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

7.Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

8.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

9.Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

10.No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

11.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

12.Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we!

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. “I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.”

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, “I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?” the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, “Why don’t we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!”

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00.”

The overwhelmed man asked, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious!” said the sales clerk. “Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked Dad how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said my dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered “because with a clarinet she can’t sing . . .”