Birthday Jokes

A joy of which I’ll not partake
Is eating children’s birthday cake.
To “blow out” candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av’rage oyster.

So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.

The son of a farmer had just turned 18, and for his birthday, the farmer gave him some cash and said, “Now son, I want you to go to the city and have yourself some fun.”

The son gladly took the money and took off to the city. After a few hours he returned very happy. Noticing this, the farmer asked, “How was it, son? Did you get some?”

The son replied, “Yeah dad, look at all the things I bought.”

“You mean you didn’t fuck?”

The son answered, “Fuck, what is fuck.”

So the farmer called his wife and told her to undress, get on the bed, and spread her legs which she did.

“You don’t know what fuck is, well let me show you, see that hole between mom’s legs? Watch me!”

“Oh, ok, now I understand,” said the son.

Suddenly the sister goes into the room and says, “Oh, no. What is dad doing to mom.”

“Don’t worry,” said the son, “they’re just fucking.”

“Fucking! What is fucking?” asked the sister

“Well, you see that hole between dad’s legs? Watch me!”

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age.

“You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” they said.

“I’ve already done that,” she replied. “I did it last year.”

“You have to do it every year,” she was told.

“Why?” came the response. “Do you think I’m going to get younger?”

A woman was looking for the perfect gift to give to her husband on his birthday. While in a pet store she just couldn’t decide on what to get. The clerk suggested a big bull frog.

“Well, how much is the frog?” asked the woman.

“200 Dollars,” replied the clerk.

“Why would I spend 200 dollars on a frog?” she replied back.

“Well lady,” the clerk said, “This frog gives head!”

So as it turns out the woman buys the frog for her husband figuring now he won’t bug her as much, giving her more free time.

The big day comes and the husband opens his gift.

“What the hell is this???” said the husband.

“This is your special frog…and he gives head.”

The husbands eyes light up!

Later that evening the woman is wakes up to the sound of pots and pans banging in the kitchen. She comes downstairs to see the frog sitting on the counter and the husband holding the pots.

“Look,” he said, “if I can teach this frog how to cook, you can pack your bags!”

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″.

“I am actually 47.”

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and feel your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, “What the hell” and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”