Birthday Jokes

* If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

* Learn to work the toilet seat. When the lid is up, put it down.

* Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to find that perfect present….again.

* If you ask a question you don’t want an answered, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

* Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

* Sunday sports — it’s like the full moon, or the changing of the tides. It can’t be altered, so just let it be.

* Don’t ask us what we’re thinking, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, shortstops, or carburetors.

* Shopping is not a “sport”.

* Anything you wear is fine. Really! But we prefer you naked, most of the time.

* You have enough clothes.

* You have too many shoes.

* Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

* No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark all
anniversaries & important dates on a calendar.

* Yes, peeing standing up is harder than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometime.

* Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair out if 30 would look good with your dress?

* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

* A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.

* Your mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.

* Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

* Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

* If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, but not both.

* Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

* Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

Young Benjamin’s grandmother had given him two sweaters for his birthday. He had arranged to visit his grandmother that weekend and was agonizing over which of the two sweaters to wear.

After what seemed like hours of deliberation, he chose one. On the appointed day, he put it on and went to visit his grandmother.

She greeted him at the door, took one look at the sweater, and said, “So you didn’t like the other one?”

1. You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.

2. You get winded playing checkers.

3. You need a fire permit to light all of the birthday candles and you need oxygen after blowing them out.

4. You order Geritol on the rocks.

5. You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there.

6. You stop to think and sometimes forget to start again.

7. You don’t need an alarm clock to get up with the chickens.

8. Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever a cute gal walks by.

9. The only whistles you get are from the tea kettle.

10. A fortune teller only wants to read your face.

11. You finally get it all together, but can’t remember where you put it.

12. You pray for a good prune juice harvest.

13. Everything hurts. And what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

14. You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

15. Your little black book contains only names ending with M.D.

16. You look forward to a dull evening.

17. You join a health club and never go.

18. You need glasses to find your glasses.

19. You sit in a rockng chair and can’t get going.

20. Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t.

21. You have too much room in your house, and not enough in your medicine chest.

your mamma so fat every time she turns around it is her birthday.

your mamma so fat she has more chins than china town.

your mamma is so fat she has her own zip code.

your mamma is so fat that when she goes to get her shoes shined she has to take their word.

your mammas so fat that when she goes to the beach she is the only one who gets a tan.