Blonde Jokes

One day a blonde was scratching her boyfriend’s car with a ruler. He came out and told her that rulers are used for measuring how long things are. Not for scratching cars. In the morning he went to wake her for breakfast and had noticed that the ruler was under the bed. He said to her, ” I thought I told you your’re suppose to use a ruler for measuring how long things are.” She replied, ” I know, I wanted to measure how long I slept.”

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that there was a wet t-shirt contest?
A: She brought all her dirty laundry.

Q: What did the blonde say when she heard that her friend had died?
A: What color?

Q: How do you make a blonde go deaf?
A: Put a nail on the end of her pinky.

There once was a blonde that went into a library and ask one of the librarians, “Can I have a large fri and a large coke.” The librarian said, “Quiet! This is a library not McDonalds.” The blonde said, “Oh I’m sorry” and she said very quietly, “Can I have a large fri and a large coke.”

Inventions by Blondes
? The water-proof towel
? Glow in the dark sunglasses
? Solar powered flashlights
? Submarine screen doors
? A book on how to read
? Inflatable dart boards
? A dictionary index
? Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
? Powdered water
? Pedal-powered wheel chairs
? Waterproof tea bags
? Watermelon seed sorter
? Zero proof alcohol
? Reuseable ice cubes
? See-through toilet tissue
? Skinless bananas
? Do-it-yourself road map
? Turnip ice cream
? Toe implants
? An all white flag
? Rolls Royce pickup truck

A sailor met a good-looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success. “I don’t date servicemen,” she said, “but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants.”

“Why, that’s because we have two dicks,” the sailor replied.

“Interesting. Probably twice as much fun, I would think,” replied the blonde.

“Let’s go to my place and try them out.”

So they did, and after the first episode, the blonde says, “Boy, that sure was nice. Now that I’m rested and still horny, I want the other one.”

The sailor undid the other row of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared, “Well, I’ll be damned! He’s pouting because he wasn’t FIRST!”