Christian Jokes

Pushing his way to the front of the crowd, Jesus waved his arms if front of the mad throng. When they had quieted, he helped up a woman whom they had been pelting with stones.

“This is wrong! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly a rock came flying from the midst of the mob, and caught the woman square in the forehead.

Looking across the sea of faces, Jesus swore,

“Dammit! Is that you, Mother?”

A seven-year-old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good and included Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.

However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, “Oh, that’s Round John Virgin.”

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, “She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn’t she know there isn’t a God?”

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying “Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don’t you know there is no God?” But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.

AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying, and thought to himself, “Humph! I’ll fix her.” He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the doorbell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin’ everywhere!

The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, “You ol’ crazy lady, God didn’t buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!”

Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was… She said, “I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!”

One day Mr. Purdue comes up with this great idea for the Catholic Church. Immediately he makes plane reservations to go to Rome.

When he gets into Rome he makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says this:
“It is great to meet you, your Eminence, and I have a little proposition for you. See, I was in church the other day and I thought of a great idea. Purdue Chickens is ready to give the Church $500,000 if you guys will change ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken’. What do you think?”

The Pope pondered for a second and said:
“I don’t really think so.”

Well, Mr. Purdue was not going to be let down by this so he continued:
“Purdue Chickens is so organized that we figured that there would be a little dificulty in the first offer. Okay, we are prepared to give the Church $1 million dollars to change ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chickens’.”

The Pope thought a little longer this time and responded:
“No, I really don’t think so.”

Now, Mr. Purdue was getting a little nervous. He took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from his brow. He said:
“Now, we at Purdue Chickens didn’t really think that the offer was going to go this far, but nevertheless, we prepared ourselves. We are willing to give the Church $5 million if you guys will change ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chickens.’ What do you think?”

The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue blankly and then said:
“Sure.”

Later that day the Pope had a meeting with the Cardinals. He said:
“I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good new is that the Church has gained $5 million dollars. The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account.”

Last week, God, Jesus, the Pope, Billy Graham, Moses and his Messenger, Gabriel, had a very important meeting. They were troubled by the President of the United States” inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only viable course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across to him.

The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment so that it equaled the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion, they concluded that Number 11 should read: “Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”