Christian Jokes

The NAACP sent an agent to Alabama to check the progress in integration of churches. After a few weeks of checking around, he called headquarters to file his report. “How about the Catholics?” asks his boss.

“The Catholics are doing okay; they got the right idea.”

“What about the Methodists?”

“They’ve come a long way,” says the agent. “They’re doing just fine.”

“And the Baptists?” asks the boss.

“I just want to know one thing,” he says. . . “When they baptize you, how long are they supposed to hold you under?”

A thousand years ago in Rome a Christian man was being chased by a lion around an arena. The man cried out to God, “Dear God, please fill this lion with the spirit of Christianity.” Immediately the lion fell to his knees, and prayed, “For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful.”

By now, you’ve probably all seen the new “slogan” that’s gotten every preacher’s attention coast to coast:
WWJD, or What Would Jesus Do….

Contemplating that very question, here are some possibilities:

1. Call his Dad. Find out why Dad and Mom never got married.

2. Have dinner with eleven close friends and the one guy he just doesn’t like.

3. Get some sleep.

4. Hang around for a while and catch some sun.

5. Get up early on Sunday, even when he feels dead on his feet.

6. Spackle his hands and feet.

7. Open a winery. Save overhead by transforming water.

8. Work for Medicare. Save US economy by healing the sick.

9. See Titanic - everyone else on the planet has.

10. Remind Bill Gates who’s boss.

11. Agree to interview with Howard Stern…shave and go as Howard’s evil twin.

12. Answer the question we REALLY want to know: Did Monica swallow?

13. Collect back pay and benefits from the Vatican.

14. Ride around in the Popemobile.

15. Throw one helluva Christmas party.

Rev. Falwell sees news reports that the military allows practicing witches in the Army.

Incensed, he calls a top Pentagon general demanding that witchcraft not be tolerated in the military.

“Good Christians pray to God for this Country. For all you know, these damn witches are casting Satanic curses.”

“Sorry, Reverend…” the General replied, “we just can’t discriminate on the basis of hex!”

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box. He remains quiet for several minutes, so the bewildered priest coughs to get his attention. Still, the man says nothing.

Finally, the priest knocks on the wall three times to get the man to speak.

“No use knockin’, fella,” says the drunk. “There’s no paper in this one either.”