Christian Jokes

yo mama so old her sneakers are called air jesus’s

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

Photons have mass!!?? I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Here’s to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra

A diagnostic is someone who doesn’t know whether there are two gods.

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

One morning, a gentleman boarded a plane headed for Rome. Within several minutes of finding his seat, a rumor began to circulate about the plane that the Pope would be on this very flight.

Being Catholic, and therefore a rather large fan of the Holy Father, he of course hoped that the Pope’s seat would be in close proximity to his so that they might be able to converse on their way to the Holy City of Rome.

No sooner had this thought passed through his mind, the “Man in White” entered the plane, and took his seat next to the man who had so prayed for his company.

Surprisingly, the Pope removed a book of crossword puzzles from the inner folds of his robes, flipped several pages and started filling in various words.

The gentleman thought to himself, “Oh man, I…I am so good at crossword puzzles! I hope he gets stuck on a word and asks me for help!” Again, no sooner than the thought passed through his mind, the Pope turned to him and asked, “You wouldn’t happen to know of another word for woman that ends in “unt”, would you?”

The man pondered, completely at a loss for words. “I can’t tell the Pope that word!!” he thought. His mind raced, and finally it came to him. “I think the word your looking for is, a-u-n-t, ‘aunt’.”

The Pope shifted in his seat, stared at the paper once more, and without even so much as the blink of an eye asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?”

One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the children where Jesus lives. The teacher called on one of the kids who replied, “Jesus lives in my heart.”

“Very good.” said the teacher.

She calls on another kid.

“Jesus lives in Heaven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Johnny is in the back of the room waving his hand to be called on. The teacher didn’t want to call on Johnny, but does anyway.

“Jesus lives in the bathroom,” says Johnny.

After a moment, the teacher asks Johnny why he thinks that Jesus lives in the bathroom.

Johnny replies, “Every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and asks, ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?’”

Jesus was sleeping comfortably in his bed. He heard a noise. Jesus sat up and asked, “Who goes there?” No one answered back. The noise occurred again.

Jesus got up, and went toward the noise. He flicked on the lights. It was a burglar.

Jesus replied, “Thief of the night, if you steal any of my shit ALL HELL will break loose!”