Christian Jokes

One day Moses, Jesus, and God were playing golf together in Heaven.

Moses drove the ball far out and it landed in a lake.

Moses opened his hands and the water opened up, he then hit the ball once more and it went into the hole.

On another hole, Jesus drove the ball far out and it landed in a lake. His ball was floating, so he walked along the water, he hit the ball once more and it went into the hole.

On another hole, God drove the ball far out and it landed in a lake. While God was thinking what to do, a fish brought the ball to the surface of the water and a bird flew over, picked up the ball and dropped it in the hole to make a Hole In One!

Bad ass Johnny was pushing his wagon up a hill, he was having a difficult time, and because of this he was cursing and swearing all the way up the hill.

A Priest met him half way up and said, “Don’t swear, Jesus can hear you.” So Bad ass Johnny decided he was going to be a smart ass and said, “Is Jesus in the trees?” and the priest replied, “Yes, He can hear you.” Then Bad ass Johnny asked, “Is Jesus in the hill?” and the priest replied “Yes, He can hear you.”

And Johnny finally asked, “Is Jesus in my wagon?” and the priest replied, “Yes, He can hear you.”

Then Bad ass Johnny finally said, “Then tell him to get the fuck out and start pushing!”

Did you hear about the gay Catholic?

He couldn’t decide if the Pope was fabulous or simply divine!

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

“Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”

Yo mama is so fat that she has to use diet soap to lose weight.

Yo mama so black that if she wore a silver coat she’ll look like a Hersey’s kiss.

Yo mama’s cooking is so bad that the homeless give it back.

Yo mama so old that Jesus personally autographed her Bible.

Yo mama so dumb that she drowned in a carpool.