Computer Jokes

This is the actual telephone dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.”
“Does it have little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.Can you see that?”
“Mmm…..Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
…..”Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.” “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes…the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now…Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too damn stupid to own a computer.”

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A BLONDE HAS BEEN IN YOUR OFFICE?

THERE IS WHITE-OUT ALL OVER YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN

_______

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A BLONDE HAS BEEN IN YOUR OFFICE AGAIN?

THERE IS WRITING ON THE WHITE-OUT!!

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes” or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”).

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion are the followings:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons are the followings:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Isn’t it amazing just how sophisticated computers are becoming? Just the other day, I was looking at the newest ones at COMP USA.

I saw one which REALLY caught my eye. Instead of an Owner’s Manual, the operating instructions consisted of a SINGLE sheet of paper, printed on only ONE side.

The sheet read, “If you have trouble operating this computer in any way, please do the following:

1. Locate the nearest 12-year-old child.

2. LISTEN to what s/he says.

1. Men are like department stores….
their clothes should always be half off.

2. Men are like vacations….
they never seem to be long enough.

3. Men are like computers…
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4. Men are like coolers…
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

5. Men are like chocolate bars….
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like coffee….
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

7. Men are like horoscopes….
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

8. Men are like plungers…
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

9. Men are like cement….
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

10. Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

11. Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don’t mow lawns.

12. Q: What are two reasons men don’t mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business

13. Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what’s left is handicapped.

14. Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

15. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

16. Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

17. Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they’re all pigs.