Computer Jokes

Q: Did you here about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
A: It has two bites and no memory.

Tips on becoming a serious Computer Gamer.
-Written by residents of the Arizona mental health facility.

1. Ignore all family and friends:
They will only get in the way. The computer is your friend, your mentor, and your leader. Try giving it a name, and draw a face on it for personality.

2. Become totally immersed in the world of games:
When you can’t remember if your algebra homework was to finish page 30 in the book, or rescue the holy book from the evil wizard of dragon hill, you’re on the right track.

3. Maintain the appearance of someone who has no future:
Avoid all natural light, and spend hours staring at only the computer. A thin crack of drool down the side of your mouth can be a nice touch.

4. Create your own ritual for buying new hardware:
I wear printer ink as warpaint, and a necklace made from the innards of computers who’ve crossed me. Doing these bizarre activities can get you great discounts on mail-order products (mainly because delivery men scream, soil themselves, and run away before they can give you a bill).

5. Ignore personal hygiene:
Showering and shaving take away precious gaming minutes, so only wash when the smell is strong enough to melt the plastic on the keyboard.

Ultimate Proof you are a True Gamer:
By following these tips, you should become the most feared person on your street. When the neighbor’s kids prefer taking the long way home rather than go past “Crazy Pale Guy’s” house, you are a true master of the gaming world.

Two Priests died and met at the Pearly Gates at the same time. The computer was down, so St. Peter asked them if they would hang out on earth for a week as anything they wanted. They both agreed.

The first priest asked to be an eagle for a week. “So be it,” said St. Peter and off the priest went.

The second priest asked to if he could be a “Stud” for a week, and St. Peter once again agreed.

A week later, the computer was fixed and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” he asked.

“The first one should be easy,” replies St. Peter, “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

“Because he is on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by and respectively. Well, how about some “asscons”?

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_O_) an ass that’s been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
..oo*”"”**oo.oo*”"*oo..
.oo*” “*o.o*” “*o.
o” ‘o” “o
o o *o
o o ‘
o o o.
o o o.
o o o o
\o/ o
o –0– o
o /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o o
oo o oo
o
oo. oo oo ‘ooo.
.oo. ooo
“o “”oo,, ,,oO-’Oo, ,,,,,oo”o
o. “”"”"” oo “”"”" .o
‘o oo o’
*o oo o
‘o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

You have been e-mooned!

During a staff meeting on the last working day of 1999, a manager was discussing the company’s preparedness for the Y2K roll-over. Worried that the company’s computers may fail when the year becomes 2000, the manager is requiring every engineer to report to work on first day of January to make sure the computers will not go crazy.

His blonde secretary, who was taking down the minutes of the meeting, suddenly raised her hand excitedly and asked if she could make a suggestion.

The manager said, “Go ahead.”

“If our computers are going to go crazy on January 1st,” said the blonde. “Why don’t we just unplug them until January 2nd?”