Computer Jokes

I don’t know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness…

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Subject: “Mouse Balls”

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.”

If you are not a computer geek, you may not get this one.

I built my first pc last week, I am very proud of it. I have a 350 mhz AMD K- 2 cpu, a 100 mhz system board, 512k l2 cache, 64 meg sdram dimms chip, a 6.4 gig hard drive with 512k cache and ultra dma/33, a 40x and a 40x cdrom. I would love to tell you about the performance, but I am still waiting for an operating system. It seems DOS 3.3 is such a hot seller, Microsoft is having trouble keeping up with demand.

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :).

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

When I was troubled by my apparent inability to remember certain details, I began to panic. A friend who really cared, suggested I get a computer software program called,
“DEVELOP THE POWER OF TOTAL RECALL!”

Excitedly, I bought it at a computer store and rushed it home to place in my CD-ROM drive.

As soon as I put it in my computer, the following message flashed on my monitor screen;

“INSUFFICIENT MEMORY”

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe say’s to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money.” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.” So Joe deposits a small sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for a urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shoping at Wal-Mart.” That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softner. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank You for shoping at Wal-Mart.