Computer Jokes

You Might Be a Computer Geek If…

You may have heard of Jeff Foxworthy’s humorous dialogue about rednecks, well, this is a twist on his style of humor.

You might be a computer geek, by Jeff Foxqwerty.

You might be a computer geek:

1 If you have 20/20 vision, and still can’t C…

2 If You buy a car and ask what version it is instead of model…

3 If the biggest purchase of your life happens at least once a month…

4 If you spent more on your computer than your wife’s engagement ring…

5 If you can pronounce several Japanese words and they aren’t forms of martial arts…

6 If you finger yourself on a regular basis…

7 If your idea of a date is dinner and an AVI…

8 If your pet rock is faster than a speeding bullet…

9 If you install windows, but you’re not a carpenter…

10 If your doctor says you have a slipped disk, and you call a data recovery company…

11 If a computer you bought for 2000 dollars is now being used as a doorstop…

12 If you want a faster car, you ask the dealer for an upgrade…

13 If your criteria for a college consists of:
1. How many computers
2. Does it have full Internet
3. And what are the hours of the nearest Chinese food restaurant

14 If you have an unpronouncable computer handle, and it actually means something…

15 If you have an SVGA monitor, and a Black and White TV…

16 If you have one in every port, and you aren’t a sailor…

17 If you one day realize you did your budget in Hex…

18 If you number your reports in powers of 2…

19 If you can recognize the speed of a modem by the tones…

20 If you’ve ever met someone for the first time that you’ve known for years…

Copyright (C) 1995 ROTFLOL / Written by Jason Caminiti / jcaminit@lynx.neu.edu

IT’S TIME TO TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF & READ A BOOK WHEN:

1. You wake up at 4 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.

5. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a wordprocessor.com

7. You can’t correspond with your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

8. When your e-mail box shows,”no new messages”, and you feel really depressed.

9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. After reading this joke, you immediately e-mail it to a friend!!!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before.
I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told God. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine” said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????”

“That was the DEMO,” replied God

There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :

“HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER.”

So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said “But I can’t hire a dog.”

The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, “OK, can you first type this document?” and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.

Flustered, the employer then said, “Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?” and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.

The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, “But are you bilingual?”

The dog said “Meow!”

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hellofalot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.