Computer Jokes

IN THE BEGINNING
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.

%God
#Enter password.

%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%Create light
#Done

%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%Create firmament
#Done.

%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

%Create dry_land
#Done.

%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done

%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

%Create fish
#Done

%Create fowl
#Done

%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowlafter its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

%Create cattle
#Done

%Create creepy_things
#Done

%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create man
#Done

%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

%Insert breath
#Done

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

%Create Garden.edn
#Done

%Move man to Garden.edn
#Done

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

%Copy woman from man
#Done

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.

%Insert man into woman
#Done

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

%Create desire
#Done

%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create freewill
#Done

%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create good, evil
#Done

%Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn.
#1 errors.

%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.

%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again

%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOGOFF.

%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

A very ugly and rude women walks into Walmart with her two children. She scurrilously askes the person at the door why the store is so cold.

The clerk response, “I’m sorry mam, corporate sets the temperature by computer. Are these your twins?”

“No, the boy is nine and the girl is seven. Why do they look alike?” “No! I just can’t believe you got fucked more than once!”

Have you ever wondered how you draw breasts on the computer? You know how to draw faces =) asses (_|_) and animals O3“““ ~~~~~(_____*> but NO ONE can draw boobs. So I’ll show you.

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

(+)(+) Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) High nipple breasts

(@)(@) Big nipple breasts

00 A cups

{O}{O} D cups

(oYo) Wonderbra breasts

(^)(^) Cold breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced breasts

(p)(p) Breasts with tassels

\o/\o/ Grandma breasts

( - )( - ) Flat against the Shower Door breasts

IoIIoI Android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy’s breasts

(_)(_) No nipples!

( ‘ )( ‘ ) High nipples

So now you know!!

Also, this is a breast joke.

God created the world and it was good. God created Woman with three breasts. God said, “Is there any wish of yours I can fulfill, daughter?” and Woman said, “Yes. Remove my middle breast.” And it was done and it was good. “What about the left over boob?” asked Woman. And God created Man.

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, “I know Daddy’s password! I know Daddy’s password!”

“What is it? her older sisters asked, eagerly.

Proudly she replied, “Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!”

Q: why couldn’t the blond start the computer program?

A: she couldn’t find the “any key”