Computer Jokes

Eager to make her mark in the world of business, an attractive, young MBA took a job as executive assistant to the middle-aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company. She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but she was extremely annoyed by her boss’ tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend, rather than a professional associate.

This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her and on calling her “Dearest” or “Darling,” within earshot of the waiters. When she told him how much this bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued.

Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she decided to take matters into her own hands. “Where would you like to sit, Sweetheart?” he asked, with a wink at the maitre d’.

“Gee,” she replied, “anywhere you say, Dad.”

“When I was a youngster,” complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player.”

“So what do you do when your son misbehaves?” asked his friend.

“I send him to OUR room.”

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes,” came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes,” whispered the child “A policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he is busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They are looking for me!”

With corporate mergers in the news these days, here are a few that might be fun.

Xerox and Wurlitzer: To make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
The merged company will be called Fairwell, Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Keebler:
Will be renamed Poly Warner Cracker

W.R Grace Co., Fuller Brush, Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems:
Hale Mary, Fuller Grace

3M and Goodyear: Will be called MMMGood

John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Will be Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Honey, Im Home

Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining:
Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C.Penny, and Canadian Opera Company:
3 Penny Opera

Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants:
Poupon Pants

Knott’s Berry Farm and National Organization of Women:
Knott NOW

And, are you ready for this…………

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi Do-Da

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe say’s to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money.” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.” So Joe deposits a small sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for a urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shoping at Wal-Mart.” That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softner. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get an lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank You for shoping at Wal-Mart.