Ethnic Cultural Jokes

English in Non-English Speaking Countries!

Examples of how English is being used in different parts of the world:

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is
rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of
entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted
by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like
to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for
ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but
you’ll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition
of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from?”

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, “I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition.”

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where are y’all from, bitch?”

Tips For Yankees

1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

2.) If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 50% of being right.

3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4.) If you do run your car in a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive pick-up truck, with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain, will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.

5.) Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6.) Do not buy food at the movie store.

7.) If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

8.) Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

9.) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10.) Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

11.) People walk slower here.

12.) Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ” big ol’ “, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with
this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15.) Be advised: The ” he needed killin’ ” defense is valid here.

16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is taken down.

17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim “Hey y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.

19.) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait til after Thanksgiving.

21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store and don’t ask why; it is just something you’re supposed to do.

22.) Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

23.) Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. In Florida, the farther south you go, the farther north you get.

24.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and “where the ol’ schoolhouse used to be”, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. The man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”

The driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing…… They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones…