“This is to hep yu’all who don’t have the plesur of livin in the sunny South, which is sometimes covered in ice! Those who do, will wunder why these wus ever wrote down in the furst place.”
Sayings in the South:
“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
“Have a cup of coffee, it’s already ’saucered and blowed.”
“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
“My cow died last night, so I don’t need your bull.”
“Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.”
“He’s as country as cornflakes.”
“This is gooder’n grits.”
“Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”
“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”
NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING TO THE SOUTH
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the
year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: “Y’all is singular.” “All y’all is plural.” “All y’alls is plural possessive.”
Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective “big ol,” as in “big ol truck,” or “big ol boy.”
“Fixin’” as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store” is 2nd. And “Y’all” is 3rd.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest
assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerable more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
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