Funny Stories Jokes

A couple decide to go to a Halloween party one year.
So they dressed up as two cows and headed out for the party..

While on their way, the car broke down and they were stranded.

As the man walked around the car kicking and cussing , He noticed the house they were going to was just accross the pasture.

“Well,” said the man. “I guess we can walk through the pasture and be there in a minute or two and we’ll pick up the car later”.

“OK,” says his wife.

So they head out across the pasture to the house.
About half way accross the pasture she sees a bull stomping and snorting about 100 yards from them.

“OH Dear!” she says “What are we going to do now?”

The man replies, “I’m going to act as if I’m grazing,
But, if I were you, I’d brace myself!”

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him/her,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,

Then, my friend,

You are ALMOST as good as your dog!

I remember the first time I entered a topless restaurant, back in the 1970s, in Colorado. I went in the place out of curiosity, and was fascinated by the beautiful young women walking around, waiting on the customers, and wearing no tops. I was awestruck!

A pretty blonde with bright green eyes walked over to me and smiled. “Would you like something?” she purred.

Unable to take my eyes off her chest, but needing exact change for the cigarette machine, I blurted out, “Do you have TWO NIPPLES for a dime?”

One time I saw an old lady trip and fall in the street.
I know it shouldn’t have been funny, but I laughed anyway. But then I started to think, “What if I was an ant?” Then it wouldn’t be so funny.

After watching Cary Grant on a television broadcast, his mother, then in her nineties, reprimanded him for letting his hair get so gray.

“It doesn’t bother me,” he replied carelessly.

“Maybe not,” said his mother sternly, “but it bothers me. It makes me seem so old!”