Funny Stories Jokes

A Texan had two warning signs posted at the entrance to his ranch. On the left sign, printed in English, were these words: “TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT AND KILLED BY THE OWNER OF THIS PROPERTY”.

Printed in Spanish on the right-hand sign were these words: “FOR YOUR SAFETY, HEALTH AND WELL-BEING, LEARN TO READ THE SIGN TO YOUR LEFT”

I dreamed that Bill Gates and I both died on the same day, and we went to hell. I felt that there must have been some kind of mistake, so I went to talk to Satan and asked if there was any way to get out of hell.

Satan said, “Well there is one way…you have to find the ugliest, nastiest looking woman in hell and make mad passionate love to her, and then you might be able to get out of hell.”

I was willing to make the sacrifice, so I found the ugliest woman in hell and started making love to her. I looked up and noticed Bill Gates…he was making love to a gorgeous sexy blonde.

I went to Satan and asked, “How come Bill is making love to that beautiful blonde?”

Satan said, “She’s trying to get out of hell too.”

A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy.

Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, “I’m sorry, Sir, but we don’t allow animals.”

In desperation, the man popped into the men’s room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover it up. Then he re-boarded the plane.

The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was all right, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick.

However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming in his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was all right.

He answered, “Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn’t bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it on board anyway.”

“But Sir,” said the stewardess, “why do you look so ill?”

“Well, apparently the darn thing isn’t weaned yet.”

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks “If I drive 100 mph will you take off your clothes?” and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flipped over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend’s clothes. All that is free of the car is the girlfriend and one of his shoes.

The man yells, “You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.”

His girlfriend says, “Are you kidding me? I’m naked.”

“Well” replies the man “Take my shoe over there cover up your pussy and go get help.”

So the woman covers her pussy with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant, “You have to help me. My boyfriend’s trapped”

“I’m sorry ma’am” the attendant replies, “he’s too far in.”

Two drunks driving down the road.

First drunk said, “We’re getting closer to town.”

The second drunk said, “How can you tell?”

First drunk said, “‘Cause we are hitting more people.”