Funny Stories Jokes

One day there was a lady who wanted to have her wallpaper put up. She didn’t feel like learning how, so she hired a contractor.

The contractor came out for the estimate, and she told him that she wanted red in the living room. The man wrote it down and yelled out of an open window “GREEN SIDE UP!”.
The lady was a bit shocked, needless to say. She thought the man was a little peculiar.

The dining room was next, and she wanted white in here, which is what she told him. He wrote it down, and went into the living room and yelled out of the window “GREEN SIDE UP!” The lady gave him a strange look and they walk into the hall.

She tells him she wants orange in here, he writes it down and goes to the living room and yells out the window “GREEN SIDE UP!”. Now the woman got angry.

“What do you keep yelling ‘GREEN SIDE UP!’ for?”

“Well, I’m sorry but I got a couple blondes over across the street laying sod.”

So this man was helping his best friend move to a new house. He groaned as he helped a large couch. “Look,” his friend said helpfully, “at least you are developing your muscles.”

“Yeah,” replied the friend, wryly, “either that or a hernia.”

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station…

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

If Stop & Shop and the A&P were to merge would it be called Stop & P?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

A really good-looking girl was giving a man a manicure in the
barber shop.

“How about a date when you finish work?” he asked.

“I can’t” she replied, “I am married.”

“So call up you husband and tell him you’re going to visit a sick girlfriend,” said the man.

“Why don’t you tell him yourself?” said the girl, “he’s the one shaving you.”

Lyricist Ira Gershwin was a keen poker player, but very unlucky. After a particularly disastrous evening, he announced to his friends: “I take an oath. I’ll never pick up a card again.” After a moment’s pause, he added, “Unless, of course, I have guests who want to play….Or, unless I am a guest in another man’s house.” He paused again. “Or whatever circumstances arise.”