Funny Stories Jokes

Once there was this woman who was, sad to say, very flat chested. Year after year of seeing beautiful, large-breasted women walking away with handsome guys finally got the best of her. She decided that she would have large tits at any cost.

At first she went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. She went everywhere, but everything she tried came to no avail.

So she went home and cried and prayed for larger tits. After several days of this, during one praying session, there was this sudden poof, and her Fairy Godmother appeared before her.

Well, Dearie, you want larger tits, do you?”

“OH, YES, OH, YES, please Fairy Godmother, give me bigger tits. I beg you!” the woman implored.

“Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll do it, if you promise to stop bothering me. Promise?” the Fairy Godmother asked.

“Yes, I promise!!”

“Okay, then. Shish, swoosh, swash, liffiday-loffiday, balsshac, boom! There! Now, Dearie, whenever anyone says, ‘Pardon’ to you, your tits will grow one inch. Fine? Bye, Dearie.” And with a flash and the smell of burnt hair, the Fairy Godmother left.

Of course, the lady wanted to try out her Godmother’s spell, immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and, seeing some unlucky passerby, collided with him and promptly fell to the ground. “Oh, pardon me! I’m so sorry, are you all right?”

Aaaauuuuummmpp! Her tits bulged forward an inch. “No, I’m fine,” she laughed, as she ran back into her apartment. She inspected her breasts. Sure enough, they were actually one inch larger; in fact, exactly one inch!

She decided to try again the next day. At work the following morning, she contrived to bump the manager and spill her coffee into her lap. “Pardon me! Here, let me help clean you up,” the manager said.

Zzzzuuuummmpp! Her tits jumped forward another inch. “Oohhh, I’ll clean up myself.” She ran into the women’s bathroom and gleefully examined her breats. Two inches!!
“I’ve got to celebrate.”

That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. “I’ll treat myself to the best. After all, I could easily beat out Dolly Parton by tomorrow. I’ll be famous!” As she sat there, a waiter passed by, carrying an armful of aromatic dishes. She stretched, delighting in the feel of her newfound breasts, . . . and her arm banged into the waiter’s midsection.

The waiter fell with an audible, “Oooff!!!” sending dishes and sauces all over her. Groveling, the waiter said to the lady, “A thousand pardons . . . .”

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows 2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, “Give me Liberty, or give me death?” She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up, “Patrick Henry, 1775,” said the boy.

“Now,” said the teacher, “Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?” Again, no response except from Toshiba, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do.”

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: “Damned Japanese.” “Who said that?” she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,” he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba’s classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna throw up”. Teacher says “who said that?”. Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991″.

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Well suck my c**k!”
Once again, it’s Toshiba with the answer, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997″.

One evening, Dr. Watson paid an unexpected call on Holmes.

“Is he expecting you?” asked the housekeeper.

“No,” said Watson, “but I just need to speak with him for a minute.”

“I don’t know what he’s up to,” said the housekeeper, “but he left very strict instructions not to be disturbed until nine o’clock”.

“I’ll wait downstairs in the library,” replied Watson.

A few minutes later, Watson heard the unmistakable sound of girlish laughter coming from the detective’s bedroom, followed by shrieks of excitement from Holmes. As nine o’clock approached, Watson could hardly contain his curiosity. Finally, Holmes came down the stairs, accompanied by a pretty dark-haired young girl in a school blazer and plaid skirt.

As soon as she left, the good doctor cried out, “Holmes, just what kind of schoolgirl was that?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson.”

The sky was dark
The moon was high
The wind did fade
All alone, she and I

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her long legs apart

And when I did it
I felt no shame
As all at once
The white stuff came

At last it’s finished
Yes, all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.