Funny Stories Jokes

I was teaching my fifth-graders their weekly vocabulary lesson in reading class and was working on using the word, “afford,” properly.

I called on a little boy named Michael, and I asked him what he thought the word, “afford” meant.

He, very innocently, replied, “It’s a truck.”

This kid just got his driver’s license and decides to take his dad for a ride. As his dad enters the back seat of the car, he settles in right behind the driver’s seat.

“So”, says junior, “ready for a different view?”

“Nope”, says the father, “I plan on kicking the seat the whole time just so you’d know how it feels.”

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed,
He cussed out the elves,
And threw down his list,
“Miserable little pricks,
Ungrateful little jerks,
I have good mind,
To scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass,
For damn near a year,
Instead of ‘Thanks Santa,’
What do I hear?
The old lady bitches,
‘Cause I work late at night,
The elves want more money,
The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk,
And goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant,
And Vixen has AIDS,
And just when I thought,
That things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS,
Sent me a letter!

They say I owe taxes,
If that ain’t damn funny,
Who the hell ever,
Sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids these days,
They all are the pits,
They want the impossible,
(Those mean little shits!)

I spent a whole year,
Making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls,
Their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo’s,
No request for them,
They want computers and robots,
Like, I’m IBM?

If you think that’s bad,
Just try to picture this,
Try holding those brats,
With their pants full of piss!
They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard,
And if I don’t smile,
Mom & Dad think I’m weird!

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys,
And skinning my knees,
I’m quitting this job,
There’s just no enjoyment,
I’ll sit on my fat ass,
And draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year,
Now, you know the reason,
I found me a blonde,
I’m going SOUTH for the season!!!”

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing so, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer asks, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stops writing the ticket and says, “Well, yeah, if that’s what they are–I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, “Hey . . . wait a minute, are you trying to associate me with the back end of a horse?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s rear.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer adds, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel inferior and unimportant.

“My dear,” said the New York matron, snobbishly, “Here in the East we think breeding is everything.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” the lady from the Midwest replied. “Out where I come from, we think it’s fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well.”