Funny Stories Jokes

This ventriloquist was playing a club and happened to crack a series of jokes about hillbillies. His dander rising, one young man in the club finally stood and said, “Hey, Ah’m gettin’ tired of these here jokes. Not all of us is dumb, y’know.”

The flustered ventriloquest appologized, “It was all in jest, sir. Please don’t take it so seriously!”

“Shaddup,” snarled the hillbilly, “Ain’t talkin’ to you. I’m talking to that wood fella on yar knee.”

A guy died, went to hell, and was greeted by the devil. The devil led him to a hallway and told him to choose 1 of 3 rooms to spend the rest of eternity in.

He opened the first door to find a group of people standing on their heads on a wood floor.

He thought that looked extremely uncomfortable, so he opened the second door. Here he found a group of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.

Then he opened the third door and found a group of people standing knee high in dog shit drinking coffee.

He thought this looked better than the first two rooms, so he chose the third room.

After a few minutes of standing in the dog shit drinking coffee, the devil opened the door and said, “All right guys, coffee break’s over, back on your heads.”

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, “YO! Keep it down!”
When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin’ reindeer!
Wit’ slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit’ a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
“Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me ’side da head.
“What da hell you doin’
Pullin’ a gun on da Don?
Now all you’re gettin’ is coal,
You friggin’ moron!”
Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin’,
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
“Merry Friggin’ Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!”

This guy staggers home drunk one night. His wife is still up so he starts telling her about this great bar he was at. He said, “Wow honey, it was great! Everything was gold! Ya wouldn’t believe it. They had gold plates, gold mugs, gold disco balls, everything was gold! They even had gold urinals!”

His wife said, “Yeah, sure honey. Why don’t you just sleep it off?” So the guy passes out.

The next morning, the wife is curious about whether there was such a bar. She proceeds to ask her hung-over husband about it, but he just mutters something about not remembering a thing and stumbles off to work.

The wife is curious, so she breaks out the yellow pages and looks under bars/restaurants. Lo and behold, there it is, the gold bar. She calls up the place and a man answers the phone, “Gold Bar.”

She proceeds to ask him, “Does your establishment really have gold plates and gold mugs and all that?”

The man says, “Yes we do.”

She then asks, “Okay. Do you have gold urinals?”

The guy on the phone says, “Hold on a sec. Hey Jake! I think I found out who peed in your saxophone last night!”

Overheard by the parents of a selfish child..
“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord my soul to keep,
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the lord my toys to break,
So none of the other kids can play with em’.
Amen”