Funny Stories Jokes

Two gang members in LA are talking.

One says to the other: “Don’t forget, Lester. There are only 10 more shoplifting days before Xmas!”

“I’ll get a world record for this.”

“It’s fireproof.”

“He’s probably just hibernating.”

“What does this button do?”

“You’re under citizen’s arrest!”

“Bull! You’re not a REAL cannibal.”

“It’s probably just a rash.”

“Are you SURE the power is OFF?”

“Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?”

“The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!”

“Pull the pin and count to WHAT?”

“WHICH wire was I supposed to cut?”

“I wonder where the mother bear is?”

“I’ve seen this done on TV.”

“These are the good kind of mushrooms.”

“I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.”

“Let it down slowly.”

“Rat poison only kills rats.”

“Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.”

“It’s strong enough for both of us.”

“This doesn’t taste right.”

“I can make this light before it changes.”

“Nice doggie!”

“I can do THAT with my eyes closed!”

“I’ve done this before.”

“Well, we’ve made it this far.”

“That’s odd…..”

“You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?”

“Don’t be so superstitious!”

“Now, watch this!”

“WHAT duck?”

One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television, as well as in the newspapers. But no one reported having seen the ape.

At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo, as well as the animal handlers, were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at an desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other, written by Darwin.

The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.

The ape replied, “I’m trying to figure out whether I am my brother’s keeper or whether I am my keeper’s brother.”

You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed.

You name your children “Eudora,” “AOL” and “Dotcom”.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your CHILD in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for free Internet access.

You find yourself typing “com” after every period, when using a word processor.com

You refer to defecating as “downloading”.

You can’t call your mother because she doesn’t have a modem.

You check your e-mail. It says “no new messages” - so you check it again.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile, and it feels BETTER that way.

Have you ever wondered how the female mind works as compared to the male mind? Yes Male minds are simple.

HER DIRECTIONS:

80….(SF)….just after the weight station near cordelia(i think) will be an exit for 14…Sonoma and Napa….take it…..follow it all the way thru…..till you end up in fairfield…there is a signal next to…a Beer joint i think it is….i don’t know…but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy….go thru the signal…go over the bridge thing…. then when you get to the next signal….make a left to go to death vally….you’ll be on Carneros Hwy….then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light….turn right….the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right…..VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff…ya know, those big metal thingamajigs….there will be a stop sign…you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln …well…turn right.. ..follow that to the end….its kinda a long way….you will hit old bluewood hwy….turn right on old bluewood…..follow it down…past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right) which is in cotati….stay on this road and just get on the freeway….you will pass an exit….then just get off at Wilfred Ave….just off the offramp there is a signal….turn left…then go straight thru the next one and under the overpass….go straight…..you will see pep boys straight in front of you. you can chill there if you want or go to wal mart, which you can’t miss….it’s in the same parking lot with home depot and arby’s

HIS DIRECTIONS:
80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St