Funny Stories Jokes

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.

“Hello?” I said. A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.

I replied, “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.

“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.”

Silence on the other end… a confused silence.

“Is this Steve?”

My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

So I replied, “Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”

“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,” she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”

A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”

“The girl he went out with.”

“I know that! I mean… who is she?”

“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”

“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring.

“I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”

She exploded, “Who’s Jennifer?”

Apparently she wasn’t.

“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”

“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and that she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”

I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”

**CLICK**

From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps.
The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising I want to suggest to my friends they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

A young woman was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work.

An empty check stub later, she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

“That’s a lovely car,” said the mechanic. “What seems to be the matter?”

She replied, “Well, it just conked out I’m afraid.”

“Let me have look.” He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

“Thank goodness,” she said. “What was the matter?”

“Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,” he replied.

“Oh, dear. How many times a week do I have to do that?”

One day dad decides to take his boy for a ride in the car, so they leave and as they are driving down the road, dad starts smoking a joint. The boy asks his father if he can have a hit and the dad asks, “Can your dick reach your ass?” and the boy says, “Well, no” and the dad says, “Alright then.”

Little while later they stop in at a gas station and dad picks up a 6 pack of beer and buys his son a scratch off lottery ticket.

So they take off and dad opens a beer and starts to drink it then the boy asks, “Dad, can I have a beer?” and dad asks, “Can your dick reach your ass?” and the boys says, “Well, no” and the dad says, “Alright then.”

About that time the boy is scatching off that ticket and wins 250,000 dollars. Dad says, “Son, you are going to share that with me, aren’t ya?” and the boy asks, “Well, Dad, can your dick reach your ass?” and the dad says, “Well, yeah.” the boy replies, “Good, go fuck yourself…….”

A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints.

The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke’s all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar.

The bloke downs them . . . One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman: “Four pints, please, mate!”

The barman serves up four more pints and lines them up on the bar.

The blokes downs all four. The he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back . . . One, Two, Three.

“Two pints, mate!” he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him.

Down they go . . . One, Two.

As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, “One pint, mate.”

So the barman fills the glass.

The bloke sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. The he looks at the barman and says, “Y’know, it’sh a funny t’ing, but the lesh I drink, the drunker I get . . .”