Funny Stories Jokes

A woman went to the same pet store weekly to buy cat food. Each time she walked in, the parrot on his perch at the door would whistle, and say, “You are sooo fat and, MAN, are you ugly!”

This went on for sometime and eventually, in tears, the sensitive woman approached the manager and asked him to do something about the rude parrot.

The manager apologized to the woman, telling her that was the only phrase the parrot knew, and she shouldn’t take it personally. The woman was still offended, so the manager proceeded to take the parrot into the back storage room and to curse and beat him badly.

The parrot was eventually returned to his perch, with a dented beak and missing feathers.

The fat woman starts laughing hysterically with glee that the parrot has finally been taught a lesson …she thinks. As she exits the store with her free bag of cat food the parrot says,

“Hey lady, ain’t nothing changed!”

Once there was this officer who heard a sneeze behind him from a group of four soldiers who were under his command so he went to them and asked, “Who sneezed?” but no one answered. So he asked again, but they were afraid to tell him; so he got MAD, and asked the first man, “Who sneezed?” When he didn’t answer, he shot him.

Then asked the second one who didn’t know what to do, so he shot him.

The same thing happened to the third one, till he reached the fourth who said, “I did, sir!”

So the officer smiled at him and said: “Bless you, son.”

And walked away….;-(

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE AUTOMATED IN THE FUTURE. Even Emergency 911:

“Thank you for calling Emergency 911.If you’re being murdered, press 1. If you’re suffering from a split personality, press 2,3 and 4. If you’re battling Satan, press 666. If you are being assaulted,press pound,pound,pound.

If you are already dead, stay on the line, and an operator will be with you shortly.”

Two drunks, Hawthorne and Woods, wake up one morning. Woods says, “How the hell are we gonna get drunk today? All I’ve got is forty cents.”

Hawthorne says, “Gimme the money, I’ve got an idea.” He goes into a deli, comes out with a hot dog and says, “Come on. Let’s go to the bar.”

When they get to the bar, Hawthorne pulls down Woods’ zipper, sticks in the hot dog, and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it.

Then he says, “Follow me,” and they walk into the bar. He orders two zombies, and they drink them down. When the bartender says, “Pay up,” Hawthorne drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog.

The bartender says, “Get out of here, you homos.” Fifteen bars, they do the same routine.

They’re bombed. Hawthorne says, “Listen, it was a great idea I had, we got bombed on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash ‘em on the floor. I can’t take it anymore.”

Woods says, “You can’t take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar.”

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating-looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.

“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”