Funny Stories Jokes

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his
parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant
father into taking him.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great,” Little Johnny replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his
mother.

“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at
30 to 1!”

“Daddy, Daddy, in school my friends say I’m hairy.”

The father answers, “Honey, the dog is talking to me!”

Farmer John was taking his cow and its new born calf to
sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree.

Then taking the mother cow and John’s clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however, left the new born calf behind.

Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry.

Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbours happened to pass by. They recognised John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.

“Why are you thrashing the poor calf?” his neighbours asked.

To which farmer John replied, “I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly, ‘I am not your mother!! I am not your mother!!’….”

With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need.

Hundreds of National Basketball Association players in our very own country are living at or below the seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks- possibly a whole year as a result of the current lock-out situation.

But now you can help! For only $20,835.46 a month, about 694.50 a day (that’s less than a large screen projection TV), you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, …. but it’s a start!

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL _I_ KNOW I AM HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned) or a signed photo (please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other people’s suffering.

HOW WILL _HE_ KNOW I AM HELPING?
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected
expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team ( Cheerleaders not included)
[ ] I’ll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.

The teacher told him the porportions in the painting were incorrect. “The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. “Okay, A minus,” he said.