Funny Stories Jokes

Sally: I betcha I can make you say purple!
Bob: I betcha can’t!
Sally: what are the colours of the Australian flag?
Bob: Red, white and blue
Sally: Haha i told you i could make you say blue!
Bob: No you didn’t, you said you could make me say purple!

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day, this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down.”

So he did! The straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said “Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!”

So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m going to Huff and puff and blow your house down!” And he did!

The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said “Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we’re scared!!!” So the brick pig let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said “I’m going to huff, and puff and blow your house down.” While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared, but the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black
stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras.

These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf’s mouth. They left the wolf for dead, got back into their Limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, “Who the hell were those guys?”

The brick pig said “Oh, those are my cousins…the Guinea Pigs.”

This 92 year old man has been getting along by himself for years in his own house when he starts to become forgetful and begins to experience a few problems. His daughter suggests that maybe it’s time he goes into a home for the elderly. The old man reluctantly agrees, but recognizes that he might actually enjoy being around other people who probably share some of his interests, etc.

So the daughter makes the arrangements, gets her father to the home and he proceeds to get settled in. He takes a walk and pretty soon he finds a very nice sun porch. He sits down and after a few minutes’ starts to lean slowly to the left. An attendant sees this and rushes over with a pillow to prop him up. A few minutes later, the old man starts to lean to his right. The attendant comes rushing over with a pillow and props up his right side. A few minutes later the old guy starts to tip forward. Without a word the attendant comes forward, props him up and puts a strap around him to hold him in place.

About that time the daughter shows up and asks her father how he likes the place so far.

The old man says, “Well actually, I really like it here except for one thing - they won’t let you fart.”

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, and wouldn’t fly the plane, until the problem was corrected,” he explained.

“And it took an hour to correct the problem?” the passenger asked.

“No,” the flight attendant replied, “It took an hour to find a new pilot.”

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Compton a pig?”

The judge said that was true.

“Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Compton?” the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Compton with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Compton and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Compton.”