(2 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)
Loading ...A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”
(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading ...Royce, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.
A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
“Hey, lady,” yells Royce, “Throw me the cat.”
“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him.”
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Royce, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Royce keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Royce runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd, that has gathered to watch the fire, breaks into cheers and applauded.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
(3 votes, average: 3.33 out of 5) Loading ...A man named John was walking down the street. Some time later he met his friend, Peter.
“Hello, Peter.” John said, “I was just going to the market to buy some cabbage for supper. Would you like to come along?” Peter nodded.
The two men walked along for about fifteen minutes, when John spoke up, “Phew! Something stinks! Peter, did you shit your pants today?” Peter shook his head.
They were passing the movie theatre now and John’s eyes were tearing, “Peter? Did you shit your pants today?!” Again Peter shook his head, “no”.
The men were almost at the market when John, about to pass out, screamed at Peter, “Peter! You sick bastard! Did you shit your goddamn pants today!?!”
Peter finally spoke, “Yeah, asshole! But not today!
(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...One day at the fair, there is an elephant. Next to the elephant is a sign:
“MAKE THE ELEPHANT NOD, WIN $1000″
Many people tried and failed, none could make the elephant nod its head.
Finally, an elderly man walked over and grabbed the elephant’s balls. The animal roared in pain and reared its head up and down. The man walked off with the prize money.
The next day, there is a new sign next to the elephant, which reads:
“MAKE THE ELEPHANT SHAKE ITS HEAD, WIN $1000″
After many people trying and failing this task, the old man walks up to the elephant. He asks the beast, “Remember me?” The elephant nods. “Do you want me to do to you what I did to you yesterday?” The elephant shakes its head.
The man walks off with the prize money.
(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5) Loading ...The phone rings at DEA headquarters.
“Hello?”
“Hello, is this DEA?”
“Yes. What can we do for you?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
Next day, the DEA comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house. “Hey, Tom! Did the DEA come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood for you?”
“Yeah, they did.”
“Okay, now it’s YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
