Funny Stories Jokes

Just a line to say I’m living,
That I’m not among the dead,
Though I’m getting more forgetful
And all mixed up inside my head.

I got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures, I’m resigned.
I can manage my bifocals
But, Dear God, I miss my mind.

Sometimes I can’t remember
When I’m at the foot of stairs
If I must go up for something
Or if I’ve just come down from there.

And before the fridge so often,
My poor mind is filled with doubt.
Have I put some food away in there?
Or have I come to take it out?

And there’s a time when it is dark
And I stop and hold my head.
I don’t know if I’m retiring
Or just getting out of bed.

So, if it’s my turn to write you,
There’s no need in getting sore.
I may think that I have written
And don’t want to be a bore.

So remember that I love you
And wish that you were near.
But now it’s nearly mail time,
So must say, “Good Bye, My Dear.”

Here I stand before the mailbox
With a face so very red.
For instead of mailing you my letter,
I went and opened it instead!

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chief.

“Your veal parmigiana was superb,” the customer said. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.”

“Naturally,” the chef said. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported.”

Did you hear about the new household cleaner just put on the market? It’s called “Bachelor.”

Why?

Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.

Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him. Nevertheless, the doorman graciously helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said, pleasantly, “By the way, Sir, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, just remember that you didn’t pull it out here.”

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”

To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”