Funny Stories Jokes

The “good” news is that Mike Tyson will once again be allowed to box, in Nevada. The BAD news is that he won’t be doing it at the supermarket….

The only “ring” that Mike Tyson should be allowed to step into, is the one located on the inside of a bathtub.

Two French brothers were in England, visiting long-lost relatives, their very sophisticated English cousins. Having high tea with Lady Windham, Pierre was making chit-chat: “Tell us about your children, Dear Cousin.”

“Oh,” said the Englishwoman, “alas, I have no children.”

“I see,” pipe in Jean-Claude, “you are FRUITLESS.”

Seeing the expression on Lady Windham’s face, Pierre said, “I think the proper term is UNBEARABLE.”

“Non, non,” corrected Jean-Claude. “I’ve got it now: she’s IMPREGNABLE.”

The lady winced, and Pierre said, “Perhaps the word we’re looking for is INSURMOUNTABLE.”

“Viola! I have it!” exclaimed Jean-Claude. “Our dear cousin is INSCRUTABLE!!!”

The clerk showed the fellow the store’s most expensive perfume. “This is called ‘Perhaps’,” said the sales clerk. “It’s $285 per ounce.”

“Listen,” the fellow shot back, “for $285 an ounce, I don’t want something called ‘Perhaps’ — I want something called, ‘You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You’ll Get Some!’”

Schwartzenegger has a big one,

Michael J. Fox has a small one,

Madonna doesn’t have one,

The Pope has one but doesn’t use it,

Clinton uses his all the time,

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,

George Burns’ was hot,

Liberace never used his on women,

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his,

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s

What is it?

A: A LAST NAME!

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody at any time, anywhere — your place or my place, it doesn’t matter to me.”

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No shit, what law firm do you work for?”