Funny Stories Jokes

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. “He won’t get away with it this time,” muttered Robinson to his wife. “Watch this.”

“Er, I wonder if you’d be using your power saw this morning,” the neighbor began.

“Gee, I’m awfully sorry,” said Robinson, with a smug look, “but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.”

“In that case,” said the neighbor, “you won’t be using your golf clubs. Mind if I borrow them?”

You measure distance in minutes.

Weather is 80% of your conversation.

“Down south” to you means Iowa.

Snow tires came standard on your car.

You have no concept of public transportation.

75% of your graduating high school class went to the University of Minnesota.

You know more than 1 person that has hit a deer.

People from other states love to hear you say words with O’s in them.

You know what and where Dinkytown is.

You have no problem saying or spelling Minneapolis.

You hate “Fargo” but realize that a lot of your family has that accent.

You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.

Your school classes have been canceled because of snow or cold.

You know what “Mille Lacs” is, and how to spell it.

You assume when you say “The Cities,” people know to what you are referring.

You know what the numbers 694, 494, I-94, 394 mean.

You have tried boiled fish in lye at Christmas.

You know the 2 sports-related reasons why we hate Dallas.

Nothing gets you madder than seeing a Green Bay sticker on a MN car.

You know what “uff-da” means and how
to use it properly.

You can spot the three-second cameo appearance by “The Artist formerly known as Prince” in Fargo.

You’re a loyal Target shopper.

You’ve licked frozen metal.

The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks or to fish or to buy beer on Sunday.

You own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a 4 wheel drive vehicle.

You wear shorts when it’s 50 degrees outside in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60.

You know people that have more fishing poles than teeth.

It feels like the Mississippi is everywhere you go.

You have gone Trick-or-Treating in 3 feet of snow.

You know what the word SPAM stands for (in more ways than one).

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You drink POP, not SODA.

In a conversation you heard someone say “yah, sure, you betcha” and you didn’t laugh.

Everyone you know has an “A-frame” cabin next to one of the 10,000 lakes.

You know that Lake Wobegon isn’t real and you know who made it up.

Voted for a pro wrestler for governor…..and he won.

You remember when it was so cold at International Falls, that the thermometer went NINE FEET UNDERGROUND.

Merchants slip Canadian coins into the change they hand you, so THEY don’t have to mess with them.

Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey” died.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket.

They’d put his left leg in and… well, you know the rest.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories.

As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?”

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he recognized him. The driver said: “No Sir, I have never seen you before.” The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

The driver replied: “This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

Doyle said: “This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.”

“There is one other thing,” the driver said.”What is that?”

“Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, a gust of wind blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless.

When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded sagely and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid meant “Fuck you”. The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge.

The next day he bought two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knive and a party horn.

Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up the horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and solemnly pulled down his eyelid.