Funny Stories Jokes

A girl and her boyfriend were on a date. After a nice, leisurely lunch the girl turns to her boyfriend and asks, “So what do you want to do now?”

Without missing a beat and with a mischievous grin, the boyfriend responds, “You.”

A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger’s astonishment, eating a fish and a bald eagle.

The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial for his crime.

The Judge asked the man, “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

“Yes, I do, Judge,” replied the man, “but if you will let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

“You may proceed.”

“I got lost in the woods and hadn’t had anything real to eat for two weeks,” the man explained. “I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing a fish. I thought ‘if I startled the eagle, I could maybe steal the fish.’ Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and it killed him. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I had killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

The Judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant’s testimony. Fifteen minutes goes by, and the Judge returns.

“Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.” The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: “If you don’t mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, Your Honor, it is hard to explain. I guess the best comparison I can make is, it’s a bit more tender than a California Condor, but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl.”

HOW TO CATCH A POLAR BEAR?

Cut a hole in the ice of a lake. Take a bag of peas and put the peas in a circle around the hole in the ice.

When the Polar Bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole.

A man walks into a diner and sees this sign on the wall - “You Win $500 If We Fail To Fill Your Order.” When the waitress approaches him to get his order, the customer says with a naughty wink, “I’ll have elephant nuts on rye.”

Without batting an eyelash, the waitress calmly takes down his order and walks to the kitchen where suddenly all hell breaks loose. Then the diner’s owner comes rushing out of the kitchen, slaps five 100 dollar bills on the customer’s table and says, “Looks like you got us this time, buddy, but let me tell you this. This is the first time in ten years that we’ve run out of rye bread!”

Well there was this farmer and his rooster had just passed away, and all of his hens were sad and depressed. They were so depressed that they would not lay any eggs. So the farmer said, “I am going to have to find a new rooster.”

So the farmer set out and bought a new rooster. He put the rooster in the chicken pen and suddenly the rooster mounted a hen then another then another. The farmer was amazed and said, “You’re going to have to slow down or you’ll kill yourself!”

After the rooster had finished with the hens the rooster started to mount all the barnyard animals. He mounted the cows, the goats, sheep, rabbits, pigs, horses, and even the dog.

Well that night the farmer went to bed and the rooster was still mounting animals. The farmer told him to quit or he was going to die.

Well the next morning came and the old farmer saw the rooster laying on the ground with his tongue hanging out motionless on the ground.

The old farmer walked over and said “I told you to quit.”

The rooster then sat up and pointed in the sky saying, “SHHhhh, Buzzards.”