Funny Stories Jokes

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping?”

In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of fish and game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions while in the field.

They have advised that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears. They further advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear droppings, and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and will contain lots of berries, and squirrel fur.

On the other hand, grizzly bear droppings has little bells in it, and smells like pepper.

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit, when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again–even more slowly. Another flash! He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought. He planned to mention the problem to his supervisor when he got to work, but forgot.

A few weeks later, he received the violations in the mail and discovered he had three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!!!

The following is submitted, exactly as authored, but a “translation” follows:

>>!*”#
^’`$$-
!*=@$_
%*>>~#4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED

The symbols above are called “DINGBATS”. Each Dingbat has a NAME. When you speak the name of the symbols, the following “poem” results:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,

Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,

Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,

Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,

Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,

Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

A group of friends, who prided themselves on their intelligence, set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

Eventually, the matter boiled down to Jason and Dean, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.

Finally, Jason said, “How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?”

Dean thought about that and said, “I can’t answer that. However, since it’s your question, you had better answer it.”

Jason said, coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills, “Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole, and that’s where he leaves the dirt.”

“Hold on,” said Dean, heatedly, grasping Hason’s wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. “How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?”

“That’s YOUR question,” said Jason, as he took the money.