Funny Stories Jokes

Mr. John Smith was travelling home after the annual Christmas office party.

He had more than the legal limit to drink and was pulled off at the road block for an alcohol test..

He was asked to get out his car. The police delayed quite a bit in attending to him (There were plenty of drunken drivers on the road that night), so he decided to go home.

The next morning at 6.00am there is a knock on his door, and it was the traffic police officers who asked, “Why did you leave the roadblock last evening ?” Mr Smith denied this, saying that he was home the whole evening.

He was then instructed to open his garage door. When this was done, the police officer asked him, “Mr Smith, if you were home all evening, can you please explain what this police car is doing in your garage ?”

Jimmy and Johnny, panting and pulling on their tandem bicycle, finally reached the top of a long, steep hill.

“Whew!” gasped Jimmy. “What a climb!”

“Sure was!” agreed Johnny. “If I hadn’t kept the brake on, we’d have gone down backward.”

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.”
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff!”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers’ Compensation and went home on sick leave.

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3000 responses about three days after the ad came out.

All from the same person!

Sometimes advertising campaigns backfire. Here are a few true examples.

1. Coors translated it’s slogan “Turn it loose” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”

2. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick” curling iron into Germany, where they later found out that ‘mist’ is the German equivalent of shit.

3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market to coincide with the Pope’s visit. But instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read (la Papa) “I saw the potato”.

4. Pepsi’s slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into Chinese as “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead”.

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA, with the adorable Caucasian baby on the label. They later learned that in Africa, companies usually put pictures of the contents on the label, as most people can’t read.

6. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

7. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or, depending on the dialect, “Female horse stuffed with wax.” Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le” which translates nicely into “Happiness in the mouth”.

8. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the translator thought that the word ‘embarrass’ was meant as ‘embarazar’ (to impregnate), so the ad read “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”.