Funny Stories Jokes

There’s this guy who is in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So, he’s shopping around, answering ads in thenewspaper, not having much luck. One day, he comes across a bike for sale in a yard.

Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition and inquires about it with the owner.

“This bike is beautiful!” He says. “I’ll take it! But how did you keep it in such great shape?”

“Well,” says the seller, “it’s pretty simple, just make sure that if the bike is outside and it looks like rain, that you rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it, and since you are buying it, you can also have my jar of Vaseline.”

So the guy buys the bike and is now a happy biker.

That night, he decides to ride the bike to his girlfriend’s parent’s house to make a good impression. His girlfriend loves Harleys, and he had never met her parents, but figured they could not help but be impressed.

Upon arriving, his girlfriend grabs his arm and says “Honey, I have got to tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes.”

“No problem” he says, and they go in.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge pile of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge pile. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes!

They all sit down for dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So, he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but they stay quiet. So, he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

Her mom is kind of cute, he decides, so he grabs the mom and has his way with her, also on the dinner table. Once again, total silence! As he is sitting there thinking that this family is a little strange, he notices rain drops on the window, and figures he better take care of the bike, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly, the father stands up and shouts “All right, All right! I’ll do the God-damned dishes!”

Titles of Children’s Books you probably WON’T see!

1.Some Kittens Can Fly
2.That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
3.Grandpa Gets a Casket
4.The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
5.Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
6.The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7.Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8.Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9.All Cats Go to Hell
10.The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11.The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
12.Your Nightmares Are Real
13.Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
14.Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
15.Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
16.You Are Different and That’s Bad
17.The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
18.Dad’s New Wife Robert
19.Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
20.Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
21.Eggs, toliet paper, and your school
22. You were an accident
23. What rich kids have, and you never will

Mark Twain’s wife did her best to censor the more colorful aspects of her husband’s language. One morning he cut himself shaving and cursed long and loud. When he stopped, his wife tried to shame him by repeating to him verbatim all the profanities that he had just uttered. Twain heard her out and then remarked, “You have the words, my dear, but I’m afraid you’ll never master the tune.”

This man came home from work and asked his wife if they could have pork (other white meat) for dinner.

The wife said that they are already having chicken and that chicken is better for them. He didn’t want to argue so instead of fighting he settled for chicken.

He saw a commercial on t.v for a hypnosis that you can use in someone’s sleep. So every night for the next two weeks he stayed up for 2 hours and whispered in her ear PORK. PORK.

So it has been 2 weeks and he was just coming home from work and his wife was there waiting for him at the door. She said, “Honey I have something special tonight for you. He asked what with a grin on his face. Brand New FORKS!!!!!!

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it’s raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that!

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid. Out of despair, she asks, “Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?”

The kid says, “How should I know? I’m only 6.”