Funny Stories Jokes

“You Are Different and That’s Bad”

“Dad’s New Wife Timothy”

“Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games”

“Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets”

“Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence”

“The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables”

“Start a Real Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse”

“The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy”

“Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”

“The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead”

“How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School”

“Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear”

“Strangers Have the Best Candy”

“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”

“Some Kittens Can Fly!”

“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”

“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”

“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”

“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”

“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”

“Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends”

“Bi-Curious George”

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember….

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.

“Kitty box crunchies” are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

A WORKER ON A BUILDING SITE RUSHED UP TO THE FOREMAN.

‘RAMA RAMU!’ HE CRIED.’SOMEONE JUST DROPPED A AXE FROM THE TOP OF THE BUILDING AND CHOPPED MY EAR OFF’

IMMEDIATELY THE FOREMAN ORGANISED A SEARCH PARTY TO FIND THE EAR IN HOPE THAT SURGEONS MIGHT BE ABLE TO SEW IT ON AGAIN.

‘HERE IT IS’CRIED ONE OF THE SEARCHERS, WAVING THE EAR.

‘NO, THAT’S NOT MINE,’SAID THE INJURED WORKMAN.
‘MINE HAD A PENCIL BEHIND IT!’

A passenger on a train visited the dining car and ordered a bowl of soup. When delivered, it had a fly in it. The outraged passenger wrote to the president of the railroad, expressing his dismay and vowing never again to ride that railroad.

In a few days, he received a letter from the president, apologizing profusely, vowing that this was an unprecedented occurrence and explaining the steps that had been taken to insure it never happened again.

The passenger was almost persuaded until he discovered that the envelope also contained a small slip of paper containing his name and address and the handwritten notation:

“Send this jerk the bug letter.”

After I had grown up and become a man, my father and I were seated in front of the TV, during a football game’s halftime exercises.

Dad remarked, “Son, every time I gave you a whipping when you were bad, you’d go into the bathroom and spend about 30 minutes, scrubbing the toilet. You got it spotlessly clean, and I could never figure out why you did that.”

Without taking my eyes off the TV, I replied, “I was ‘getting even’ with you, for whipping me.”

Dad, startled, replied, “How? By cleaning the toilet?”

“No,” I answered, “by scrubbing it with YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.”