Funny Stories Jokes

George was sitting at his desk and stressing over the upcoming deadlines when his boss came up to him. Their conversation went as follows:

Boss: “George, when is the last time you took a vacation?”

George: “Sir, I don’t have time for a vacation. There is way too much work to be done.”

Boss: “George, I believe you would be more productive if you took some time to get away from your work and relax for a little bit.”

George: “Sir, really I am okay.”

Boss: “George, I going to insist that you take a vacation. As a matter of fact, I know this great litte fishing hole out in the country. Get yourself a fishing pole, a can of worms, and a six pack of beer. Enjoy the afternoon by the lake.”

George tried to explain to his boss that he really didn’t need a vacation, but his boss wouldn’t take no for an answer. George went home, packed a weekend bag, grabbed a fishing pole form the garage and headed out toward the country following the directions his boss gave him to the fishing hole. Along the way, George saw a little country store and remember he needed to buy some worms, so he stop at the store. Inside the store, he had the following conversation with the store clerk:

Clerk: “Howdy, What can I do you for stranger.”

George: “I just need to get some worms to do some fishing.”

Clerk:”Sure thing, you’ll probably be needing some buttermilk too?”

George:”Buttermilk, why would I need buttermilk?”

Clerk:”Well, the snakes are bad this year.”

George:”So what does buttermilk have do with snakes.”

Clerk: “Well, everyone around these parts knows that buttermilk is the best way to draw out the poison if you ever get bit by a snake.”

George: “Never heard of anything of the sort. Besides I don’t plan on getting bit. I’ll just take the worms.”

George paid for the worms and headed off to the fishing hole. Once there, he put a worm on the hook, tossed his line in the lake, relaxed and drank some beer. After about a six pack of beer, he was starting to feel very relaxed, but had to pee. George got up from his spot and went behind a tree and began peeing. Suddenly George heard what sounded like a rattle, looked down and realized he was peeing on a snake. The snake struck out and bit him on the penis. George began to panic. With his penis in his hand and his pants down about his ankle, he began yelling for help. He then saw a house on the other end of the lake. Still holding his penis, he hobbled all the way to the house with his pants still around his ankles. Once at the house, he began to frantically knock on the door. A liitle old lady answered the door. George and the litte old lady had the following conversation:

George: “Ma’am, I need some buttermilk quick! Please, some buttermilk quick!”

The little old lady went back into the house and came back with a glass of buttermilk. George grabbed the glass and stuck his penis in the glass of buttermilk.

Geroge: “Thank you ma’am, you saved my life.”

Old lady: “Sonny, you know I’ve been buried five husbands, and given birth to eight kids. I swear that is the first damn time I ‘ve ever seen that thing reloaded!”

Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Jose loved baseball; and, most of all, he loved the Yankees.

He worked and saved and, at long last, bought a ticket, took a plane; but when he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out. Not a seat was to be had. Jose pleaded so much that he touched the heart of the ticket office people, and they found him a seat way out in the bleachers behind the flagpole. Jose finally saw his baseball game and went back to Puerto Rico, flying so high he almost didn’t need a plane.

“Well, Jose,” they asked when he returned, “how was it?”

Jose raved! The stadium, the game, the Yankees, and most of all–the fans, so friendly, so concerned about him that before the game they all stood up and turned to him and sang, “Jose? Can you see?”

Jim went to the unemployment office to get a job. He told the lady he was a pilot. She said she had a job for him and to start in the morning.

Bob, his brother, also went to get a job after his brother told him how he got his job. He told the same lady he was a woodcutter. She had no jobs for a woodcutter. He asked how his brother was able to get a job so easily. She got Jim’s folder and said, “He’s a pilot”. Bob looked at the
lady and said: “Well Jim can’t pile it until I cut it.”

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just “lock-up” for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots’a pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would
have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must
continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20%more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, “Good-Bye.”

Years ago, before “Caller ID” was perfected, I telephoned 911 and exclaimed, “Help! There’s a FIRE at 1234 Maple Street! Please hurry!”

As I heard the sirens wailing in the distance, I dialed the city accounting office and asked to speak to the Administrator. Once he was on the line, I asked, “How much does it cost the city, for the fire department to respond to false alarm calls?”

“Each false alarm costs the taxpayers around $500,” he replied.

“Good!” I shouted, “Now we’re even for that fucking traffic ticket I got last year!”