Funny Stories Jokes

Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said, “Are you okay?”

The woman answered, “I’ve been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in.”

Linda didn’t know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store workers called the paramedics.

They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the toothy reptile on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you all a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute.

He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my dick, unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured its approval and acceptance. So the man dropped his trousers, balanced himself on the bar rail, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The ‘gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped.

After a minute passed, the man grabbed a beer bottle, and whacked the alligator hard on top of its head. The gator’s mouth opened, and the man removed his genitals - unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks arrived.

After a bit, the man stood up and made the crowd another offer: “I’ll pay anyone here $100 who’s willing to give it a try!”

A hush fell over the crowd. Moments passed, and then the silence was broken with a voice from the back of
the bar.

An attractive woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try”, she said, “but you have to promise not to hit me so hard on the head with that beer bottle.”

This man and his son where driving down the road the man pulls out a beer and begins taking a drink, his son asks, “dad, can i have a drink?” his dad replies, “son, can your dick touch your ass?” His son jumps in the back seat then comes back up front, “no, dad it can’t.”
“sorry, son you can’t have any!” the boys father then pulls out a ciggarette, “Dad, can I have a drink?” the boy asks. “Can your dick touch your ass?” The boy says back,”No, it can’t.” “Sorry son you can’t have any!”
They then stop at the store and the boy gets a lottery ticket and scratches it off and wins a million dollars. The boys father asks, “Can I have half the money?” The boy looks at his father and asks, “Can your dick touch your ass?” His father answers, “It sure can!” The boy looks at his dad and says “Good! Go Fuck yourself!”

It’s Halloween and little Johnny is Trick-or-Treating and is dressed up as a pirate.

He comes up to a house and a nice old lady answers the door. The lady looks at Johnny and says, ‘What a cute pirate. Where are your little buccaneers??’

Johnny looks at the lady and says, ‘They’re under my buck’en (F*****G) hat!!’

Take a look at the following words, after their letters have been rearranged:

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Evangelist = Evil’s Agent

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in ‘em

Animosity = Is No Amity

Santa = Satan

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z’s!

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I’m A Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

And the “Grand Finale”:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
Can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:

TO COPULATE, HE FINDS INTERNS