Funny Stories Jokes

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. “How are you, Grandpa?” he asks.

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take good care of me.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock, they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet . . . and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge. “What are you people doing?” he says. “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can’t be true!?”

“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

10.Do not say what you mean. Ever.

9. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

8. Play Alanis Morissette’s “You Outta Know,” loud. Look at them. Smile.

7. Look them in the eye and start laughing. (During an intimate moment)

6. Cry.

5. Gather many female friends and dance to “I Will Survive” while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

4. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone.

3. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they’re wrong.

2. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

1. Constantly claim you’re fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

Ok, but men still can’t live without them.

As he was leaving the supermarket, Mr. Denton noticed the sign that said, “Return Empties Here.” So he went back and dropped off his wallet.

December 14th

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and UPS was here with a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John:
Today, UPS brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves… I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist-you’re just to kind.
Love, Agnes

December 17
Today, UPS delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes

December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today UPS delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly though, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes

December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese were huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes

December 20th
John:
What’s with you and these fucking birds?????? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY!!! So stop with these fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddamn cows, too. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t get to my own house. Just lay off me, SMART-ASS
Ag

December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ-do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.
From Ag

December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m calling the police on you. One who means it.
Ag

December 24th
Listen Fuckhead
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and afore-mentioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing beastiality with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead; they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanatorium, the attendants have intructions to shoot you on sight. Kindly acknowledge receipt of this letter by signing and returning the enclosed summons for initial hearing on Ms. McCallister’s application for a domestic retraining order and notice of filing of litigation to recover damages.
For the firm,
Roothog N. Dye