Funny Stories Jokes

John and Dan were ridin their horses across a north americian plane and they were sort on cash so they pulled into a Ranch and went up to the owner and asked if they could do some work for some cash.
The farmer said no i dont but i will give you $500 for every Indian you kill but you have to bring thier heads back with you.
So anyway they set off across the plane when they came across an Indian sitting on a stump sharpening his knife.
So John bailed off his horse ran over and hit him over the head with the back of his gun and started sawing his head off.
While John was sawing off his head Dan said to him” stop turn around”.
No said John i have nearlly finished. Just turn around said Dan. “no ” said john im nearlly through.
When he had finished he looked around and there was 150 Indians with bow and arrows powned at them.
Dan said”oh shit”.
And then John said “shit were goin to be rich after were done here.

Two dwarfs won the lottery and booked into a swank motel for a night of fun. They were down the lobby getting sloshed when a couple of prostitutes walked in and asked them if they wanted some action.

“Sure do!” one proclaimed as they made their way up to the rooms.

“See ya in the morning, mate,” the first dwarf said to the other as he put his arm around one of the prostitutes and went into his room. But after about 30 minutes the first dwarf realized he couldn’t even get an erection so he paid the prostitute and lay in his bed. He could hear his mate going, “One, two three, gnnfff! One, two, three, unerrrgh!”

“Lucky bastard!” he thought to himself as he dozed off.

The next morning they met downstairs when the second dwarf said to the first “How’d last night go?”

To which he replied, “No good, mate… Couldn’t get an
erection.”

“You think that’s bad?” the second replied, “I couldn’t even get onto the damn bed!”

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

Two men are talking and the first one says, “You like riddles or quizzes?”

The second guy replies, “Sure!”

The first man says, “Well, I have a two-question quiz for you. One question is super easy to answer, while the other one is very difficult. If you answer only ONE question correctly, I will pay you $500. Answer BOTH correctly and you will receive $1,000 from me. Does that interest you?”

“Yes!” said the other man.

“OK,” continues the first, “Which question do you want first? The easy one, or the hard one?”

“Why, the easy one!” answers the other man.

“Ok,” the first says, “Here is your ‘easy’ question: ‘In what year did this occur?’”

“In what year did WHAT occur?” screams the second man.

The first man smiled and said, “That’s the HARD question. Don’t get ahead of me. Answer the easy one first.”

Did you know that your eyelashes are connected to the hair around your rectum?

If you don’t believe it, just pull a hair from around your rectum and see if your eyes don’t water!