Funny Stories Jokes

A penguin is driving in the middle of a desert and his car breaks down. Luckily he sees a gas station a little further down the road, so he coasts on in and tells the mechanic something is wrong with his car. Then he goes inside the gas station while the mechanic determines what’s wrong and buys an ice cream. The penguin walks out of the gas station and the mechanic says, “It looks like you blew a seal!” and the pengin replies, “No it’s just the ice cream.”

While his wife is away a man decides to take the opportunity to paint the toilet seat.

His wife comes home sooner than expected, sits on the toilet seat, and gets it stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to take her to the doctor to get it removed painlessly. She puts on a large overcoat to cover herself and the seat and away they go.

When they get to the doctor’s office the man lifts his wife’s coat and asks the doctor if he has seen anything like this before.

“Well yes,” the doctor replies, “but never framed.”

Q: Which are cheaper, deer nuts or beer nuts?

A: Deer nuts, they are under a buck.

I joined the defence forces earlier this year. Of course, during the first week, all the males had to have suitable haircust, short back and sides. This took quite a bit of adjusting for some people. One of my friends was heard to remark after a couple of weeks,

“Short hair kind of grows on you, doesn’t it?”

Hmm…

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“ONE PENNY!” exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, “Yes.”

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“4 cents,” he replies.

“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”