Funny Stories Jokes

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child’s toy.

Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. “I’m from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?” “Yes, I was, ” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?” “Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man. “There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that’s how I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all this time? I don’t see any shelter.”

“To be honest, I’ve just been sleeping on the beach,” he said.

“Would you like to come to my place?” the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. “It’s not much, but I call it home.”

Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?” “No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I’ll throw up!” “It won’t be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

“No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”

“Well if you’d like to shave, there’s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered-not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs.

He couldn’t help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. “You look great,” said the woman. “I think I’ll go up and slip into something more comfortable.”
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

“Tell me,” she asked, “we’ve both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean.
Haven’t you been lonely, too…isn’t there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!”

“Yes there is!” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I’ve wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just…well, it was
impossible.”

“Well, it’s not impossible, any more,” the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean… you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!”

A small church advertised for a bell ringer. The priest answered a knock at the door and saw an armless man.
“I’m here about the bell ringer job,” the man said.

“But,” replied the priest, “How are you going to ring the bell with no arms?”

“Watch me!” the man said.

The priest and the armless man climbed the spiral staircase up to the bell tower. The armless man ran at the bell and smacked the bell with his forehead, releasing a beautiful sound from the bell. “The job is yours,” said the astonished priest.

Every hour the armless man climbed the staircase, ran at the bell, and chimed the bell. One unfortunate day, the armless man tripped on a loose floor board while running at the bell, and he fell out of the bell tower and landed on the street below. A crowd gathered.

Someone yelled, “Does anyone know this man?”

A woman answered, “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs.

He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke, he saw the French highway signs and said in a worried tone, “Daddy, I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep.”

A father walked into his son’s room one day and caught his son masturbating.

The father said, “Son, don’t do that, you’ll go blind.”

To this, the son replied, “Dad, I’m over here.”