Funny Stories Jokes

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“How do you eat with that thing?”

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”

On Tesco’s Tirimisu Dessert: “Do not turn upside down.”
(Printed on bottom of box.)

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”

On Boot’s CHILDREN’S cough medicine: “Do not drive car or
operate heavy machinery.”

On Nytol (a sleep aid): “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

On a Korean kitchen knife: “Warning - - keep out of children.”

On a string of Christmas lights from China: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”

On Sainsbury’s Peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.”

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.”

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.”

On German headphones: “Do not increase volume past threshold
of pain.”

On a packet of Sunmaid Raisins: “Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?”

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying “In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,” when a man remarked:

“Hey! If the plane can’t fly, why should I believe the seat can float?”

Frederick II, the 18th century king of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after another, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their total innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick’s curiosity was aroused.

“You,” he called. “You there.”

The prisoner looked up. “Yes, Your Majesty?”

“Why are you here?”

“Armed robbery, Your Majesty.”

“And are you guilty?”

“Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment.”

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, “Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it.”

There were 3 monkeys in a tree..why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
-Because he was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
-Because he was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
-Peer pressure.