Funny Stories Jokes

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) toserve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager,
“and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Navy man assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” said the Navy guy.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

Three men were driving through the country when their truck broke down. It was bad weather and they had no place to go.
Of course the farmer came along and said they could spend the night with him under one condition. He had a son who had no ears and got very upset if anything was said about it.

Later that evening at dinner one of the men kept staring at the boy. The boy, getting upset, asks “What are you staring at?”

The man says, “Oh, it’s your teeth, your teeth are so pretty, and make sure you take care of them or they will end up just like mine!” and he takes his teeth out.

The second man kept staring and staring at the boy. The boy getting more upset asks the man “What are you staring at?”

“Oh,” the man says, “It’s your hair, you have the prettiest hair I have ever seen, and make sure you take care of it or it will end up just like mine!” and he takes his wig off.

The third man kept staring and staring and the boy was really irritated at this point and says, “What the hell are you staring at?”

“Oh,” the man says “It’s your eyes, you have the prettiest eyes I have ever seen and make sure you take care of them because you don’t have any ears to put glasses on.”

A Navy Admiral, a Marine General and an Army General were having some drinks at the officer’s club in a major military base. After a few rounds of iced tea, the Navy Admiral boasted, “You know, the Navy has the bravest fighting men ever to serve in the Armed Forces. I can prove it to you all.” Before the others could protest, the Admiral proceeded to phone his headquarter and asked for the best Navy Seal in his command to come to the officers’ club. The Marine General and the Army General also called for their best soldiers to come over to the officers’ club. Within a half an hour’s time, a Navy Seal, an Army Ranger and a Marine commando arrived one after the other at the officers’ club.

After the soldiers had saluted their commanders, the Navy Admiral instructed his man, “This is what I want you to do now… See that 100-feet steep cliff with an eagle’s nest on its top across the sea ?” He pointed through an window facing the sea. “I want you to swim across that shark-infested sea, scale that steep cliff and bring me a couple of bird eggs without a crack.” The Navy Seal said, “Consider it done, sir!”, gave a quick salute and ran outside the officers’ club. He then jumped into the shark-infested sea, swam across the sea fighting off the meanest sharks and proceeded to scale the cliff barehanded to reach the nest. Upon reaching the nest, he had to fight off an angry eagle to get the eggs. Then he returned via the same route and upon reaching the officers’ club, presented two uncracked eggs to the Navy Admiral who was beaming with pride.

The Marine General said, “That’s chicken feed. I will show who’s braver.” Turning to the Marine commando, the general said, “I want you swim across that shark-infested sea to that island just beside the steep cliff, run 4 miles through the jungle towards the highest mountain in the island and bring me two hawk eggs uncracked.” The Marine commando just grunted, gave a quick salute and raced out of the officers’ club. He then jumped into the shark- infested sea towards the island - fighting off hungry sharks along the way. He then raced through 4 miles of treacherous jungle fighting off tigers, wild boars and snakes along the way to reach the highest mountain on the island. He then found the nest of a hawk and proceeded to gather two eggs fighting off the angry hawk. Returning via the same route fighting off the usual predators, the Marine commando then presented two uncracked hawk eggs to the Marine General who was proud of his man’s daring feat.

The Army General then said, “You think that’s brave. Watch this.” Turning to the Army Ranger, he commanded, “I want you to do what the Navy Seal just did, then do what the Marine commando just did and bring back to me a pair of eagle eggs and a pair of hawk eggs with not a crack on these.” The Army Ranger looked at the general, then looked across the sea and looked back at the general. Instead of saying yes, he just shouted at the general, “SCREW YOU, SIR!”, gave a quick salute and walked out of the officers’ club.

The Navy Admiral and the Marine General were both aghast and dumbfounded at such behavior but the Army General just sighed, “That, my friends, is the bravest son-of-a-bitch of a soldier ever to serve in the armed forces!”

If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?