Funny Stories Jokes

Sam is very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, so when he receives an invitation to a Halloween Ball, he wants to wear a costume that will hide or minimize both. He dashes off a note to Brooks Brothers, explaining his need and his concerns, and in a few days receives a package with the following note.

“Dear Sir: Enclosed is a pirate costume. The red handkerchief will cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will look like part of the costume.”

Sam is furious with their ’solution’, and returns the parcel, saying he is trying to HIDE his peg leg…not call attention to it.

The next week, he receives a second package and a note:

“Dear Sir: We apologize if we appeared insensitive to your concern. Enclosed is a monk’s habit. The long robe will hide your leg, and your bald head will look to be part of your costume.”

Enraged, Sam returns the costume with a nasty note, saying they are idiots for calling attention to his bald head.

The following day, he receives a small parcel by courier with a note which reads:

“Dear Sir: Enclosed is a jar of caramel. Pour it over your bald head, stick your peg leg up your ass, and go as a candy apple.”

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is! Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second one can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday, and a 15-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remains silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Police reports show that the first shipment of Viagra was received at a airport in Kentucky….

It was hi-jacked at a UPS terminal by a gang of thieves that wore masks.

The police warn that they may be hardened criminals.

Beware!

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said “You’d better not go out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because the big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do; He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off.”

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, “Don’t worry Mum, I’ve got it covered.”

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs.

One of them ran out of the brick house and said “You shouldn’t be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you. He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off.”

So she pulled out the shotgun and said, “Don’t worry boys. Got it covered!”

As she continued through the forest, she came across the big bad wolf and he said, “You shouldn’t have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I’m going to do.

I’m going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off.”

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her
little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, “NO! You’re going to eat me like the book says…”

Red Riding Hood (RRH) is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!” says RRH. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. “My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf!” says RRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About another 2 miles down the road RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. “My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf!” taunts RRH.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…”Will you fuck off, I’m trying to take a shit!”