Funny Stories Jokes

So this lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out…caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing…
Do you think he would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

0001 AD - Here, eat this root.

1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, swallow this potion.

1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 AD - That antibiotic is dangerous. Here, eat this root!

One day during class, the teacher decided to play a guessing game with her students.

She said, “I’ll hold something behind my back, give a couple of clues, and whoever guesses what it will win lunch on me.”

“Okay,” the teacher said, “the first item is round, red, and has seeds.”

Katie raised her hand said, “Is it an apple?”

“Sorry Katie it’s not an apple, it’s a tomato, but I like the way your thinking.”

“The second object is oblong, brown, and you can boil it.”

Patty raised her hand and replied, “Is it a potato?”

“No it’s not a potato, it’s an egg, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Then Billy raised his hand and said, “Teacher, I have something in my pocket, it’s round, hard, and has a head on it. Can you guess what it is?”

Apalled by the boy’s question, the teacher told him to march himself right down to the principal’s office because she would not tolerate such language in her classroom.

Billy smirked, reached into his pocket and said, “Actually it’s a quarter, but I like the way you’re thinking!”

Quotes to Ponder…

“Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.”

“We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a “No Fear” T-shirt.” –Lev L. Spiro

“There’s no real need to do housework — after four years it doesn’t get any worse.”

“Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.” –Dykstra

“O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, ‘Cause what can an antelope say?”

One day, a man walks in a bakery shop and asks:”Do you have a special kind of candy bar which has the bread in the middle and the caramel on the outside?”

Surprised, the owner says he doesn’t.

The next day, the same man walks into the same bakery shop and asks: “Do you have a special kind of candy bar which has the bread in the middle and the caramel on the outside?”

Noticing the man had asked this already, the annoyed owner says he doesn’t. However, this time, he orders 50 candy bars that have the bread in the middle and the caramel on the outside just in case that man asks again.

The third day, the same man walks into the same bakery shop, and asks: “Do you have a special kind of candy bar which has the bread in the middle and the caramel on the outside?”

Just when the owner proudly said he did, the man replies: “Did you notice how sticky they are?”